Author: Tim Keller
The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness is a short book written by the late Tim Keller, a prominent religious pastor and theologian. I read this book one morning in Manhattan while waiting for my noontime train back to Boston. Although I myself am not religious, I have always been interested in what Christian doctrine, or really any orthodox religion, has to say. Consequently, I can appreciate this book for its universal applicability. I can also appreciate Keller for writing this without the assumption that the reader is a believer by choosing to avoid lengthy excerpts and anecdotes from the Bible and opting for an approach I more easily digested.
“Don’t you want to be the kind of person who, when they see themselves in a mirror or reflected in a shop window, does not admire what they see but does not cringe either?” – Our egos tend to be the source of some of our greatest highs and lows. When I win a heated, high-stakes chess match, my inflated triumphant ego places me in a euphoria. Whereas when I lose the same match, the agony of a shattered ego is truly one of the most unbearable feelings in the world. Maturing as a player and a sportsman merely stabilizes these extreme feelings of joy and agony more quickly, causing them to be fleeting rather than drawn-out and internal rather than displayed. Maturing never changes the magnitude of the moment.
Keller urges us to disconnect our egos from irrelevant ideas. Our ego should not be tied to our appearance. Our ego should not be tied to whether we win or lose. Both inflated and shattered egos lead to broken people. Inflated egos cause brash, self-centered behavior. Shattered egos lead to weakness, depression, and inaction. Inflated and shattered egos, despite being opposite ends of the spectrum, tend to come coupled. The most inflated egos are the most prone to being shattered.
If I may insert my own metaphor here, our egos, though often akin to diamond, should aim to resemble water. Diamond, tempered under periods of intense heat and pressure, is one of the most attention-grabbing elements in existence. It remains stubbornly rigid and strong. However, a tiny prick in a concentrated, particular spot can cause the entire gem to shatter into a million pieces, at which point it is impossible to reassemble. Water, which only exists in its form at a mild temperature, is tranquil and unassuming. Water allows itself to be disturbed, even severely, by anything from a pebble to a hurricane. Yet water elastically seeks to return to its natural, calm, specular state. Our egos should be unassuming within our own mind, not seeking to grab the spotlight of our attention at all times. We should allow our egos to fluctuate, as killing it entirely is simply inhuman. Nonetheless, as a by-product of its unassuming nature, a humble ego is one which never fails to return to a state of peace.
“The thing we would remember from meeting a truly gospel-humble person is how much they seemed to be totally interested in us. Because the essence of gospel humility is not thinking more of myself or less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.” – I love quotes that expose things I am guilty of. In the past, I have found it awkward to accept praise. Notice how I do not say I found it difficult. That would be a lie. My ego feasts on praise. The awkwardness comes from the fact that when I receive praise, my mind is in paralysis on how I should accept it without seeming egotistical. Therefore, the solution was to deny it and be self-deprecating. Ironically, this is arguably the most egotistical response, on the prerequisite that you do not truly believe in your self-deprecation (if someone tells you ‘good job’ but you truly believe you did a terrible job, replying so is not egotistical). It is the most egotistical response because even in the process of accepting praise, I am still thinking about myself and how I can appear to be a more humble person to others. True humility is hearing external praise, giving a polite and discrete “thank you” that does not elicit further attention to said praise, and moving forward.
In the same vein as accepting praise, a person’s humility can also be apparent in conversation. Someone who is not humble will often steer conversations back towards their own ideas and experiences. They will find a way to connect all conversation topics with their own lives and accomplishments. In practice, I believe this is acceptable in moderation, as sometimes the most engaging topic is either directly about or stems from a single person and their stories. However, I still occasionally find myself falling into the mistake of tuning out as soon as conversation takes a turn towards someone else’s experience. Ultimately, it is incredibly difficult to let your own thoughts of yourself take a backseat in the same way that your diaphragm or heart does. Nonetheless, it is a long-term goal worth striving towards.
*Note: What Keller refers to as “gospel humility” I am interpreting to imply general “humility”
Thank you Logan for recommending this short but valuable read!
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